Rough spot

I don't know about everyone else out there, but typically, I go through phases during a deployment. The first couple weeks are usually pretty tough, then I'm fine for a couple months. Then I hit another rough spot, and so on. I usually get into my own routine and life gets to seem normal without him here. Sad, yes, but otherwise how would you survive it?

This time I didn't hit a rough spot until now. Almost 5 months in. When he first left, I almost felt relieved. The month before he left was terrible, constant worry and stress about THE GOODBYE. After THE GOODBYE was over it was like I could breathe again. Phew, that's over. I'm not sure if that's normal, but that's how I felt, and it makes sense to me that I felt like that.

The first two weeks were so busy. I had a 3 month old, and I was moving. There was so much to do, I was so busy I didn't have time to sit and feel sorry for myself. I didn't have time to miss him, I was busy! Then I was busy with Christmas stuff. I didn't want to Christmas shop before I moved, because I didn't want to transport all of the gifts so I had less than a week to shop. Yuck. I figured that after Christmas things would slow down and then it would sink in. Apparently I was nieve in thinking anything would slow down when you have an infant. Haha.

I stayed with my mom until our household goods and vehicle got here. The vehicle is another story...nightmare! Then I moved again. See? It's been a busy 5 months. So now is my first downer period that has lasted more than a day. I'm ready for it to be over. I have no motivation to do anything. Thank God for Fuzz. If I didn't have her I'd probably lie in bed all day and would have probably gained about 20 lbs already.

I think I need to do some cleaning, motivation or not. I always feel better inside when my outside is cleaner. I also think I need to get to the gym and use that as my stress reliever. It would also give me some "me" time, away from Fuzz. I love her but I need a break occassionally, and for some reason I feel guilty asking anyone to help me with her. I know I have plenty of people that are willing to help, I just feel guilty. She's mine, I shouldn't have to count on others to take care of her for me. At the same time, I know it's important to take care of me.

I'll get there, it's what we military spouses do.

That's cold

Ok, so it's April 26th, and it's snowing....sick

Time flies

Happy 8 months Fuzz!

That's illegal...

Apparently Walmart needs to do better drug testing because today an employee walks up to me saying "I'm a wet, sweaty monkey". Eww

The results

Cupcakes smell...

Fabulous! I am making them for my friend's birthday, and I'm worried I will eat them all before she gets them. *note to self, do not bake while hungry* Just kidding Col..I'll save a few for you :) I am also experimenting tonight with the 1M decorating tip. Wish me luck!

Dear neighbors,

Surprise! All the banging in your bathroom wakes Fuzz up. Please quit, it's annoying...

Yay!

My R&R Donut says 50%, we're halfway there baby!

Amazing

This is how amazing my husband is. He waited in line for who knows how long to talk to me for only 5 minutes because they are leaving for a few days and he wanted to let me know so I wouldn't spaz when I don't talk to him for a few days. He's wonderful. I love him with everything I am.

A new day

He went to his first meeting

Carpe diem

It's going to be another beautiful day! Mid-70's..can't wait. The rest of the week, not so pretty, but I'm enjoying today while it is here!

Really, I do...

Let me start by saying I get along very well with ML's family and I love them. Really, I do. Today they really made me mad. I know things like this happen, but they were expecting me, it wasn't a surprise, and a courtesy call would have been much appreciated.

I told my MIL I would be there late morning. They live about a hour and a half's drive away, and I like to travel during nap time. Fuzz was sleeping as I got into town (at 11AM..I believe that's late morning), so I called her to ask her if she would let their yippy dog outside so she wouldn't wake Fuzz. No answer. So I called their home phone. No answer. Well she woke up as I opened my door anyway, so that's fine. I take her out, grab all my stuff and go to the door. Locked. So I knock. Dogs go nuts, no one comes to the door. My SIL sleeps late so I'm figuring she is there, just not answering the door. I call her. No answer. I call her again. No answer. I called her 3 or 4 times. No answer. I called my MIL again. Nothing. Called my BIL, nothing! At this point it's like, are you kidding me???? So I call my FIL, I figure he's at work. Didn't have his phone number stored in my phone so I guessed, someone who barely spoke English answered..clearly the wrong number. Tried again, got him. He's mad, tries to get ahold of everyone calls back, neither one of us has heard anything.

At this point I would have loved to have turned around and went home. I was mad, but at this point it's almost noon, Fuzz eats at noon, and I only have frozen homemade baby food and no way to defrost it. So my FIL tells me that he's stuck at work but I can go and pick up his key so I can get in the house if I want. So I go get it, get back to their house, still no one home, still no one has called me. I feed Fuzz, because hungry baby = cranky baby.

I was right, my SIL was there the whole time. My BIL calls at 12:10, they are out getting new cell phones and it took a little longer than they thought it would.

At least it was important, right?

Fuzz and fieldtrips

Tomorrow Fuzz and I are going to visit Stryker's family. It's about an hour and a half drive. We are leaving during nap time so she sleeps on the way. It was like a switch flipped about 3 weeks ago. She's not a very good passenger anymore.

It's better than it was when she first flipped the switch. At that time I had a pile full of toys in the front seat so when she threw one I could replace it when she started whining. Now I give her her puppy. This blankey that on one corner has a puppy head and on the opposite corner has 2 feet and a tail. She loves that thing. She got it from my Godmother at her baptism. I have put my order in for another one in case this one ever happens to get lost. I believe that would be considered a nightmare.

Fuzz is a darling, I love her. She is sweet, and happy, and..well I could go on all day but I'm pretty biased I think.

Brain freeze

I've been wanting to write but all I can think is, I miss him...

Civilian talk

I know that friends and family genuinely are trying to help and be compassionate when they say certain things. They are trying to comfort. Most of the time, their words come off as thoughtless and make me wonder if they actually thought about how it would sound to me before they opened their traps. This is when I truly appreciate and love my military wife friends.

Some examples:
* (before he left) Well, things could change, maybe he won't have to go.
* (1 week after he left) Do you miss him?
* How long has he been gone? {4 months}, oh, the time will go fast.
* Aww..he's missing so much in Fuzz's life.
* CRYING about him being gone when you aren't his wife, daughter, brother, sister, mom, or dad. I do not want to comfort you because my husband is gone.

I don't usually say anything because I know they just don't understand. Unless you have lived this life, you can't possibly know what it feels like. I guess I would rather they didn't say anything. If I want to talk about it, I will.

mmm...cookies

Today was a good day. I felt like a good mom today. We played together, we cuddled, it was a good day. I got quite a bit done today too, the kitchen is clean, laundry is as caught up as possible... I watched a couple movies, my grandpa came over, my mom stopped in to visit, it was a nice day. Now Fuzz is in bed, let the cookie baking begin. My Love and his guys love them some baked goods.

Hope or Death, take your pick

I have to admit, this news about the shortened deployments has me really down. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for the soldiers and families that will have the 12 months, that is wonderful. I'm just having a little pity party for myself.

I don't know why I let myself get my hopes up. This isn't my first deployment, I'm not all that new to the Army ways. I know how things work. I guess I was counting on him coming home early more than I thought I was.

I kept telling myself, think 15, think 15, then you won't be disappointed. But when that little bug flies in my ear that the rumors are circulating among the "higher ups" that we might possibly have him home for Christmas, well, that hope is just there...period.

I guess that it's good that despite all the times the Army has hit us with disappointing news, the hope is still there. I need that to always be there, even though it comes with the possibility of heartache. If it wasn't there, I'd just be dead inside, and who wants that?

Skeptically hopeful

Well, yesterday was my dad's first day sober. He said that he's in the right mindset and he feels good about it. I'm trying not to get too excited. I have been let down far too many times. I have no doubts his heart is in the right place. But being the heavy drinker he is, I can only imagine withdrawal symptoms are not far behind and he's going to find it much harder than just saying "ok, I quit! Yay me!" He doesn't sound like he wants to attend any meetings, and I just think he's at the point that he can't do it alone. We'll see what happens.

Bummed

Totally disappointed that the shortened deployments don't include us.

Progress?

Well, he called. He's still hasn't been to a meeting (but he thinks about it all the time), he's still drinking (but he thinks about that all the time too). Does he think that "thinking" about it is enough? It was hard but I told him that until he has starting going to meetings and is sober for a week that I didn't want him to call or come over. Then, as a true testament to how weak he thought I was, he goes "wow". Apparently he didn't think I was going to follow through.

D: So you want to cut me off?

me: No, I don't want to cut you off, I want you to get help, we all do, I love you

D: I know you do.....do you really think cutting me off is the right answer?

me: I want you to know I'm serious, and I am. I don't want to give you the impression that I
think your behavior is ok, because it's not

D: so you think it's that serious?

me: yes I do

D: so total sobriety is what you're going for?

me: yep

D: Well I don't think that cutting me off is the right way to go about it but you gotta do what you gotta do

*crickets*

D: well, thanks for your love and concern

me: you're welcome

D: have a good night

me: bye

Fast forward one and a half hours...phone rings, it's dad, didn't answer, he leaves a message

D: (clearly had been drinking) don't give up on me, if you'll go to a meeting with me I'd greatly appreciate it

He also called my sister about going to a meeting with him and made some comment about "when it gets to that point, I'll let you know" like he's just checking to see if we'll go with him but he's not going yet. She said "c'mon, let's just go, you don't have to say anything if you don't want, it's not a big deal, let's just go" Apparently he's checking to paper to see when there's a meeting. I'm calling him back tomorrow before he's been drinking again to see if the meeting just sounded like a good idea when he was drunk or if he's serious. If he's serious I'll be making my first appearance at AA.

Good, bad, and evil

Good - I have trackback
Bad - Lost my comments
Evil - Have to think on this one...

Today should be interesting...

Fuzz was up for 2 hours straight from 4AM to 6AM. Crying. I've been trying to wean her from night feedings. I breastfeed, and it's tough. She's 7 months old, she doesn't need to eat at night. There were a couple rough nights, but after that it's been great. I've been letting her soothe herself to sleep. Sometimes when she wakes up she jabbers for a little bit and goes right back to sleep. Last night she screamed. It's so hard because all I want to do is go in and cuddle and hold her, but I know that's not the best thing to do for either of us. I've really been good about being consistent. If she doesn't let up I go in and check on her, tell her I love her, tell her it's not time to get up yet, leave. Sometimes the outburst lasts 20 minutes, sometimes it's 2 hours.

It's nights like that when I really miss my honey. I really feel for single moms. Lord willing, my single mom status will end in less than a year.

Intervention

This past Tuesday, my sister and I had a mini-intervention for our dad. He is an alcoholic. He has been for so long that I don't even remember when it started. I have some great memories of my dad. He was my little league softball coach. We played catch in the backyard almost daily in the summer. I also have some memories that I wish would disappear.

The actual "intervention" went pretty well. We did it because we love him, we care about him, and we are worried about him. Obviously he tried to change the subject, blame his drinking on other things, talk about the past, etc. He also was very emotional, and it was obvious that he recognizes that he has a problem. This was encouraging. However, he would not agree to do anything about it other than go to the doctor for a physical. He hasn't had one in years and I thought that would be at least a start. Get him into a doctor, see how everything is ticking, maybe the doctor can give him suggestions, make some referrals. We made it clear that we are there for him if he wants us to go along to meetings, or for anything else he might need. I also made it clear that if he doesn't choose to get help, he will no longer be a part of mine, my husbands, or Fuzz's lives.

Sadly, this doesn't seem to have impacted him like I thought it would. It was only after I told him that that he agreed to go to the doctor for a physical. He is still drinking heavily, going out to bars, driving home. I hate it.

I just talked to him tonight and he still isn't willing to go to a meeting or see a counselor to get to the root of the problem. I am done calling him. Next time he calls me, I will ask him if he's been to a meeting, if he's drank recently. If he hasn't been to a meeting and if he's still drinking, I'm telling him not to call until he's been to a meeting and has been sober for a week. I refuse to let my daughter grow up around that. His behaviors are not ok, and I will not allow him to believe that I think they are by remaining in his life.

His drinking has been a problem for a long time, I finally feel like I'm doing something about it. He chooses his consequences, but I am not letting it be the unspoken "secret" anymore. I wish My Love was here...

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

I feel like I should have put a disclaimer on the last post. Only 4 months in and I am already setting myself up for failure by saying that it's easier than the last one. I meant so far.

Is it Possible?

My Love left about 4 months ago. We have a darling daughter, Fuzz, who is 7 months old. He has now spent more time away from her than he did with her. Wow, I just realized that. I am sad for him. She changes almost daily, pictures, even videos can't possibly be enough for him. This deployment is harder for him than the last. Guilt sets in as, in many ways, it's easier for me. Last time he was gone for this long we weren't married, we didn't have Fuzz. I was in college, working part-time, I had a lot of time to panic that he wouldn't make it back so we could get married. This time Fuzz gives me so much joy, and keeps me so busy that it just isn't as hard this time. Yes, I wish he was here. Yes, I miss him terribly. Yes, I worry about him. Yes, there are days that are harder than last time (like when I had the stomach flu with a 6 month old...). Overall though, I'm more happy. I'm guilty about that, because he's not.

Just Do It Already

I've wanted to begin blogging for a long time now but trying to think of something poignant for the first post has overwhelmed me. So here it is, this is it, the beginning.