Outlet

Holy smokes, it's been almost nine months since I have posted. I haven't taken the time for blogging and I'm not sure why. Busy living life instead of writing about it I guess. I got to the point that I was writing for the feedback and connection with others. Now, if I continue, it's for me.

I just had a birthday earlier this week, and I certainly didn't think this is where I would be in life at this point. I was always a great student, graduated college with an excellent GPA, and felt like the world was my oyster. Had a couple jobs out of college, and then the Army and building a family kind of took over. Here I am, 29, unemployed, and struggling to find a good job despite my education and life experiences. I got sad about it for awhile. Disappointed in myself, feeling like I was a disappointment to my family.

Life is all about choices though, isn't it? It was my choice while Zack was in the Army to raise Karsyn full time. During his deployment, I wanted her to at least have one parent around all the time that she could count on. When he got back from his deployment, I enjoyed taking care of our whole family. I liked being there on the occasional day that he got out of work early. I enjoyed taking Karsyn to story time at the libraryand to the park with our neighbors. It was wonderful to be able to pursue my photography and start my own business.

When you're out of the traditional workplace for four years, it's tough to find a job, even though life has taught me so much in those years. However, when I think about the choices I made that got me to this point, I have no regrets. I started to think about my life on a grander scale. I have an amazing husband. I have a beautiful, smart, funny, and outgoing daughter. And I like to think she is who she is, at least in part, because I was with her during those years.

I am blessed. I have what many people dream of. I will take my little family over a successful career any day of the week. I am still looking for a job, I need one, but it doesn't define me.

This is what does:

Birthday girl

It's been awhile! Since I've last written, Fuzz had a birthday! Can you believe she's two? Because I can't.

When I saw this tutu, I just knew it was the perfect party skirt

My mom was here during her own birthday so Fuzz got to practice blowing out candles, and as you can see, she couldn't wait to blow out her own.

She is getting to be so fun and verbal and just such a joy.

She currently loves animals and can make nearly any animal noise. She loves to say hi and buh-bye. As a matter of fact we went grocery shopping today and she said buy-bye to nearly every person we passed. Seriously. She also loves to blow kisses. We probably need to work on that - teaching her who it's appropriate to blow kisses to and who it's not...like complete strangers. Fuzz also has a friend! Our neighbors have a little boy who is a little older than her and they are best buds now. It's so cute. They also have a little baby, and Fuzz is crazy about her too. She probably would like a little brother or sister of her own, but thankfully she's not the one who gets to make that call!

One crumbles, one thrives

Sometimes when I think about the deployment, I wonder how we got through it. Not only did we get through it, but we got through it almost unscathed. 15 months is a long, long, time. Yes, it was hard. Yes, we lost a friend. Yes, we had reintegration issues just like everyone does. But we made it, and we are stronger because of it. We appreciate each other more. I enjoy being a mom more. We cherish our time together more. I could probably go on all day.

So many couples don't make it through one deployment, much less multiple ones. We are close friends with a couple who did not, in fact, make it through this deployment, and it still blows my mind daily. I can't believe they are in the situation they are. I'm certain there is more to the story than what I know...there has to be.

It brings me to the question: What makes one seemingly strong couple crumble while one thrives? Is it faith? Because I'm certain that during some points in the deployment there were only one set of footprints in my neck of the woods. Is it love? Is it personal strength? Is it determination and pure will?

I don't know all the answers, but I think it's a combination of all those things. Here are a few of the things that I think helped us get through our deployments.

#1. Realization and acceptance of the fact that you can't change it. He will deploy. It will be a long time. You can't stop it. Find a way to deal.

#2. Faith. I am a Christian woman. I believe that each of us has a set amount of time on this earth, and that it's predetermined. This was a huge thing in helping me get through this deployment. I believed that if Stryker's time was supposed to be up during the deployment, it would have been up whether he was deployed or not. This prevented me from worrying so much. Of course I still worried, but it wasn't as extreme as the first deployment, and thus, resulted in less stress.

#3. Faith. Faith in our marriage. Faith that despite the length of time apart, our marriage would survive, and we would be ok.

#4. Care packages. I wanted to make sure that Stryker knew I was thinking of him, and loved him, and sending care packages was one of the ways I could best show this. I loved sending care packages because I knew he and the guys enjoyed them, and it also helped me feel closer to him. I knew that I was touching something he would touch.

#5. Being understanding of weirdness. Sometimes while Stryker was deployed, he would go through periods of weirdness. He wouldn't have much to say while we were on the phone, he seemed down, he just was not himself. It's not a cause for panic. They go through ups and downs during the deployment just like we do. It's normal.

#6. Finding something to look forward to. When we started making plans for R&R, conversations were great. We smiled, we laughed, we made plans that involved us actually being together. It was fun.

#7. Living life. I kept on living life. It helped pass the time much more quickly. Yes, sometimes I felt guilty about it, but it was better for Fuzz, Stryker, AND me live life instead or wait for it.

These are just the big ones off the top of my head that helped me, and us, get through deployments. What is something that helps you get through a deployment?

*Here's what I was sending to Stryker one year ago today.

Beauty

We've been incredibly lucky since Stryker has gotten back. He only took a handful of leave days during block leave, so while everyone else was on block leave, Stryker "worked" for a couple hours a day and had four day weekends. Can you say family time?!

It's been great, and so relaxing. I don't know about you, but block leave always has been a huge runaround for us. Being pulled this way and that, so many people to see, and so many things our families plan for us to do. By the time we get back we're exhausted. Not much of a "leave". So this time we decided we'd just stay put. And it was amazing, not to mention a lot less expensive! Besides, who needs to go anywhere when you see this across the street...





Now everyone's back and they are back to work. It will be two months since he got back on Thursday. We've been lucky to have all this family time, and we're getting back to normal (whatever that is).

Next month we're having some visitors. My cousin is visiting from California for a long weekend, and shortly after he leaves my sister is coming for about a week and a half! I can't wait for her to get here. I miss her a lot, and she needs a Fuzz fix.

The end is near

Tomorrow morning I leave cold, wintry Wisconsin, and welcome warm, tropical Hawaii. I am both excited and nervous. I'm nervous about the long flight with Fuzz by myself. I know my nervousness won't make it any better though, so I'm trying not to dwell on it. I'm taking the approach I did with labor. It's one day out of my life. Even if it's horrible, it's only one day, and then I get to move on. With labor and with this flight, I have beautiful things waiting for me at the end of it.

I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that this deployment is almost over. We have done 14+ months apart. I have done 14+ months by myself raising Fuzz, and we've both lived to tell about it! Wow.

At the same time, I know that the end of my journey is just the beginning of other's. I know how they are feeling, but they will get through it, no matter how hard it often seems. Day by day, you just go through it and you do it. Usually you can't explain how you're doing it, you just are.

I attribute getting through this deployment on a few things. The Lord, Fuzz, and you guys. Let me explain.

When Stryker was on leave before the deployment, we were leaving a hotel in his hometown, and the TV was on. Neither of us were watching it, it was just noise in the background. It was one of those televised sermons. We never watch those, I don't even know why it was on. But like I said, it was background noise, and all of a sudden it was like the pastor was speaking just to me. He was talking about how people exercise and eat right, and think it's going to make them live longer. He said that of course exercising and eating right are important to make your quality of life better, but that your number of days are already predetermined. God already knows when your time is up, and all the exercising and eating right isn't going to change that.

This isn't the first time I've heard this message, but all of a sudden it hit home. What use is it for me to worry about Stryker while he's there, when his destiny is already written? I no longer worried about his death, because according to this belief, no matter if he was here or there, the day would be the same. This single thing is the difference between this deployment and his other two. Of course I prayed for him and his comrades, but I didn't have that deep underlying, debilitating fear like I did during the other deployments.

Fuzz's presence is pretty self-explanatory. She has given me so much joy and kept me so busy during this deployment. Yes, taking care of a child by myself was difficult, exhausting, and often frustrating. But oh, she is so worth it. And the sense of accomplishment I feel from doing all of this on my own is oftentimes overwhelming.

Finally, I have been reading blogs for quite a while. In April, I finally decided to start writing myself, and this community that I fell into has been so amazing. I did not know about the blog community during the first deployment. I didn't know that my feelings were normal, and expected.

Reading your stories, and getting so much support and encouragement from you all has made a huge difference. I feel like you are my allies. At times, you know me better than my own family, if only because you often feel the same ways that I do.

So thank you. Thank you for helping me get through this one journey of my life. Thank you for your support, encouragement, and love. You have become a special part of my life that I will forever cherish.

Beautiful belly

I love pregnant bellies! While my cousin was here for a baby shower last weekend, we did a little maternity photo shoot. It was fun and awesome. It was pretty funny trying to improvise hanging sheets in different areas of the house to get different light angles. It would have been even better if we could have waited just a couple more weeks, but unfortunately, I'm leaving, so we had to do it now.

I'm sending her a disk with all the best ones, I hope she loves them. Here are a few of my favorites.

The Great Find

I was reading New Girl's post yesterday about whether or not we help out our significant other's pick out gifts and it got me thinking about past gifts from Stryker. I was trying to remember if there were any times that he really got me a great gift without any help from me, and the first one that came to mind was the necklace he got me for my birthday last year.


I had just given birth to Fuzz, and when he asked me for ideas I told him I just wanted him to get something for me that he picked out because those gifts mean so much more. I have to admit, doing this usually bites me in the butt. On the first big outing since her birth, I was getting a haircut in the mall and he was bumming around with Fuzz trying to find a gift for me.

When I was done getting my hair cut, he was hemming and hawing about how he just couldn't think of anything and so he wanted me to pick out some new tennis shoes (that I was going to buy regardless). I was so frustrated, but he was so upset over it that I maintained my calm and kept telling him it was ok.

So we go and I pick out shoes that were probably more expensive than I would have spent because after all, this is my birthday present and I was going to buy shoes anyway, they might as well be nice ones...

I get the shoes, I'm pushing the stroller and we're on our way outside and I open the little compartment in the stroller to get my sunglasses and there is a long skinny box in there. Complete shock. Immediately I felt guilty for being angry. I loved the necklace. Not only is my favorite color green, but it was also Fuzz's birthstone.

Fast forward to February and I'm moving out of my mom's house to our new place. About a week later I realize I haven't worn my necklace for awhile (unusual), and go to put it on. Can't find it. Are you kidding me? Where could it be? I searched and searched and never found it. I remembered putting it in with some stuff on one of the trips from my mom's to the new place but couldn't remember exactly where I had put it. I was sick. I just knew that I must have stuck it in one of the Target bags and then when I unloaded the stuff from the bag didn't see the necklace and threw the bag away. I was just devastated. How could I be so irresponsible with something so precious?

Now you know that feeling you get when you put on a jacket for the first time since last winter and you find $20 in the pocket? Magnify that by about 158,000 and you get the feeling I had last night when I was decorating the tree and opened the box that one of Fuzz's ornaments was in, took the ornament out, and my necklace was lying in the bottom of the box! My heart started beating out of my chest, and I was on the verge of tears. I just stared at it for about 5 minutes before I could even take it out of the box. To think I almost didn't put the ornaments on the tree this year!

Fuzzy memories clarified

Here I sit, my heart just pitter-pattering away. I was checking an email account I rarely use, and noticed there were two emails in the drafts. I got curious and started reading one and it was an email I was writing about Stryker's proposal.

As happens during a big moment like that and the passage of four years, the details are fuzzy for me. I remember what we did that night, and the circumstances, but the words he used are fuzzy. To be honest, they were right away. But in this email I went into more detail than my mind has. I had forgotten some of the amazing things he said. Of course it cut off before I had written all the details, but I can fill in the blanks.

The valley is behind me, I'm giddy in love once again.

The smelly seat belt

Stryker left for his first deployment in January 2004.

After he left, occasionally when I drove, I would smell him. His cologne. It was as if he enveloped me. It was the greatest thing, but I couldn't figure it out. It only happened in the car, and not every time I drove.

It was months before I figured out that it was the seat belt. When he was home on leave, he always drove, and apparently some of his cologne rubbed off on the seat belt. It was only after I had been driving for awhile and my body heat warmed the seat belt that it would waft up and make my whole day.

On my drive home from the airport after I dropped Stryker off, I was turning the corner on our street, and that familiar smell wafted up, and I knew everything would be ok.

And just like that, it's over

We sent him off this morning. We had an amazing time and savored every moment. I didn't even start to get sad about him leaving until about two days ago, which I consider a success.

His relationship with Fuzz is just out of this world. I couldn't have picked a better father for her.

They went to the park...

Went on their first bike ride...

Watched the Packers...

And just hung out...

Could they be any cuter??

We got away for a weekend just the two of us in Door County.


It was a much needed break. We were gone for two nights and that's the longest I've ever been away from Fuzz! His being home made me realize just how stressed I actually was from taking care of her and the house by myself day in and day out for ten months. Now it's back to it for at least another four months. But I'm refreshed and ready. Bring it on.

Time is short

Here I sit. My husband and I just enjoyed a delicious meal of shrimp scampi and are continuing enjoying our Reisling. Our daughter is happy and reaching for him and he just took her in to change her diaper. I love my life. I love this life. I wish it wasn't changing again in less than a week.

Our time up to now has been incredible. The first few days were a little tough. It was wonderful having him back, but it was definitely a readjustment. Unexpectedly, Fuzz has adjusted better than the two of us.

I will write much more about it later, but I must get back to my little family.

Happy Birthday

to me!

When I heard Fuzz for the first time this morning at the sweet hour of 8:15 I thought, she knows it's my birthday and she let me sleep in this morning! The sweetness ended shortly after that. She was crabby and she bit me. Hard. Teeth marks through my shirt. It was after approximately 4 times of telling her no biting. She went into time out and hated it. I only left her there for about a minute, and thankfully there wasn't anymore biting after that.

After her morning nap, which she fought, just like she has been for the last week, she was in much better spirits. The day just got better from there.

A package from Stryker with a teddy bear and bath items. Lunch with my mom and sister while my dad babysat. They really went all out. These were on the table as we walked in.



Following lunch, we went to a wine bar. We sampled a few wines, bought a bottle we all agreed on and shared it while relaxing and visiting. After that we returned to my house and my mom brought a ice cream cake. Yummy! Once everyone left I found this on my bed. Note the little signature.



I have a wonderful family. It was a great day.

Shout out

I know that a lot of what I've been writing lately has been pretty negative. Here is something that is just melt-my-heart positive.

I am amazed by the generosity of strangers. One particular stranger actually. Katie's mom emailed me shortly after I sent all the 4th of July packages to Stryker saying that she had a bunch of beanie babies she wanted to donate for the soldiers to give to the children.

I couldn't believe it. My little blog? It was heartwarming. Tonight she informed me that she has six...SIX large flat rate boxes to send. Not only with beanie babies, but other snacks and goodies as well. Not only that but she also offered kind words of support and encouragement for me. Wow. Most of my friends and family aren't that thoughtful. Thank you. Thank you so much. You have proven to me that there are still wonderful people in the world, willing to do amazing things for strangers.

Wow

Remember, how I mentioned my mom wanted to get a package together for Stryker and his guys?



Besides this, my grandma donated $50 to add to his phonecard. I am so incredibly blessed. What an amazing family I have. They more than came through. Wow.

UPDATE: My mom just called...she found another bag of goodies for Stryker and the guys.