Sicky

Yesterday was our anniversary, we were woken up at 4:30AM by a sick Fuzz. Poor little bugger.

Of the four years we've been married, we've only actually been together for about two. And even those two were littered with field training, schools, and other separations. Such is the Army life. I think this was probably our hardest year yet. Here is to hopefully our best year yet!

We leave tomorrow. We're hoping Fuzz is feeling better by then, and that we don't contract it in the meantime.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all you hot mamas out there!

I feel so blessed that the Lord has allowed me to be a mom. And to be a mom to this little girl:



is especially wonderful.

You know those moments that make your heart sing when you first start falling in love? I have those every day, as I watch her grow and learn. I fall in love every single day. How awesome is that? Being a mom has also been a test in patience, but it's good. She's making me grow just as much as I am helping her do the same.

I can't wait to see what this next year in motherhood holds.

One crumbles, one thrives

Sometimes when I think about the deployment, I wonder how we got through it. Not only did we get through it, but we got through it almost unscathed. 15 months is a long, long, time. Yes, it was hard. Yes, we lost a friend. Yes, we had reintegration issues just like everyone does. But we made it, and we are stronger because of it. We appreciate each other more. I enjoy being a mom more. We cherish our time together more. I could probably go on all day.

So many couples don't make it through one deployment, much less multiple ones. We are close friends with a couple who did not, in fact, make it through this deployment, and it still blows my mind daily. I can't believe they are in the situation they are. I'm certain there is more to the story than what I know...there has to be.

It brings me to the question: What makes one seemingly strong couple crumble while one thrives? Is it faith? Because I'm certain that during some points in the deployment there were only one set of footprints in my neck of the woods. Is it love? Is it personal strength? Is it determination and pure will?

I don't know all the answers, but I think it's a combination of all those things. Here are a few of the things that I think helped us get through our deployments.

#1. Realization and acceptance of the fact that you can't change it. He will deploy. It will be a long time. You can't stop it. Find a way to deal.

#2. Faith. I am a Christian woman. I believe that each of us has a set amount of time on this earth, and that it's predetermined. This was a huge thing in helping me get through this deployment. I believed that if Stryker's time was supposed to be up during the deployment, it would have been up whether he was deployed or not. This prevented me from worrying so much. Of course I still worried, but it wasn't as extreme as the first deployment, and thus, resulted in less stress.

#3. Faith. Faith in our marriage. Faith that despite the length of time apart, our marriage would survive, and we would be ok.

#4. Care packages. I wanted to make sure that Stryker knew I was thinking of him, and loved him, and sending care packages was one of the ways I could best show this. I loved sending care packages because I knew he and the guys enjoyed them, and it also helped me feel closer to him. I knew that I was touching something he would touch.

#5. Being understanding of weirdness. Sometimes while Stryker was deployed, he would go through periods of weirdness. He wouldn't have much to say while we were on the phone, he seemed down, he just was not himself. It's not a cause for panic. They go through ups and downs during the deployment just like we do. It's normal.

#6. Finding something to look forward to. When we started making plans for R&R, conversations were great. We smiled, we laughed, we made plans that involved us actually being together. It was fun.

#7. Living life. I kept on living life. It helped pass the time much more quickly. Yes, sometimes I felt guilty about it, but it was better for Fuzz, Stryker, AND me live life instead or wait for it.

These are just the big ones off the top of my head that helped me, and us, get through deployments. What is something that helps you get through a deployment?

*Here's what I was sending to Stryker one year ago today.

Photography, dates, and bunnies

I had my first class of the photography workshop last night. She talked a lot about things I already knew, but I did learn a few things and got to ask some questions. Apparently it just keeps building on, so next class should be lots of new stuff for me. She got into photography much in the same way that I have, and is doing what I would ultimately love to do. We'll see where this leads!

Stryker hooked up a baby sitter for us for tonight, so we are having a date night (which I should be getting ready for). He asked this guy to watch her without even talking about a date night with me first. I love that. I love when he makes an effort without having to hear 43 hints first. It really makes me feel loved and special. He did something nice on his own. Love it.

We're going for sushi and then we're switching to Easter bunny mode and going shopping for Fuzz. It will be our first holiday that we've been able to truly shop for her together. Fun stuff!

Ugly

Although I have tons of other pictures I could post, I figured maybe words would be nice for a change. There have just been so many photographic moments lately that I haven't been able to resist.

Fuzz acts as if Daddy has always been around. I, however, am not so quick to forget what life was like before redeployment. It's very strange. Pre-Fuzz, reintegration was a snap. Post-Fuzz, not so much. It's frustrating to me.

I am completely grateful and blessed that Stryker is finally back home with us. It's wonderful having him here. The house stays cleaner, I'm not drop dead exhausted by the end of the day, Fuzz has a mommy and a daddy to pay attention to her throughout the day, etc. etc. There are so many benefits to having him home.

I spent 15 months wishing he was here. I longed for his touch, I wished that those "Mwa!"s at the end of every conversation were real, I couldn't wait to feel his skin against mine. So how messed up is it that now that it's finally real, those touches and kisses I so longed for sometimes cause irritation?

I'm not used to being touched and kissed so much throughout the day. When he was gone, I had to adapt to not having those things, and now that they are reality again, I need to adapt back. I guess I'm not quite there yet, but it is getting better daily. We talked about it the other night, and since then I haven't been stressing about it so much, and things have been much better.

I love my husband, and it's hard for me to accept that this is normal, even though I know it is. I know we'll get there, I just wish it didn't take so darned long.

Just a part of the package

Wow, you guys rock! Thanks for all the well wishes on Stryker being home. We've read every single one. I think he finally understands the support you have all given me throughout this deployment.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon in bliss at the spa in the fancy resort up at the north shore. It was, according to Stryker, my Valentine's Day/you never got time to yourself and you deserve it, gift. I have to say, I wasn't feeling all that worthy. I just considered going through this deployment a part of our life together. Not fun, but necessary if I want to continue to be with, and love, Stryker. He and our relationship, is more than worth it.

I told him after I got back my feelings about it. He took my hand, pulled me out of the chair, and started dancing with me right in the living room, as he started rattling off all the reasons why he thought I did in fact deserve it. No wonder why I missed him so much! It's easy to forget all those little romantic things they do everyday when they have been gone for so long.

We are not really having any of those reintegration problems that we did during R&R. I think we must have worked the bugs out at that time, and now it's smooth sailing. Fuzz is getting better with the change every day. I mentioned how hard of a time we were having at bedtime and naptime, and as of yesterday, she's going down without fighting it again. Loving it.

Your questions, answered

Loquita wants to know more about my family and my wedding (she's planning her own, go check out her ideas and help her with her dilemmas!)

Well Loqi, I don't have nearly as big of a family as you do! I have one sister (who is amazing) and that's it! She is two years younger than me and isn't married yet, and doesn't have any babies. Stryker has a brother, sister, and a half sister. His half sister has twin boys, so I have two nephews through our marriage.

My parents divorced when I was 17. My mom has seven brothers and sisters, so I have a lot of cousins. Christmas is crazy! My dad only has one sister, who has one son, who was born just one day before me. We've never been very close though, because they have always lived far away.

My wedding was amazing. Even if I could, I don't think I would change a thing. Traditional ceremony in the church I grew up in, pictures along the river, reception with mediocre food, fabulous friends and family, and lots of dancing.

The girls in the wedding party wore a dark pewter, even in the summer, I loved it. They each carried three long stem calla lillies. My bouquet was white calla lillies surrounded by pink roses. Our friend played the piano and sang two songs, "I Will be Here" by Steven Curtis Chapman, and "More than Anyone" by Sarah Kelly.

In a break from the limo tradition, we had old cars transport us from the ceremony to the reception:




Our first dance was to Stevie Wonder's, "For Once in My Life". It's a little jazzy, we rocked it.



And after it was over, we went to the hotel and ordered pizza. After pizza we took a bath and Stryker took every single bobby pin out of my hair. It was a wonderful day despite the rain.


KDwants to know more about Fuzz, what I wanted to be when I grew up, and my favorite meal to cook.

Yes, Fuzz was a planned baby. I think we practically talked it to death before we finally decided to do away with the birth control. I always thought it would be nice to have a boy first and then a girl because she could have a big brother, but when it came down to it, I didn't really care. From very early on in the pregnancy though, I thought she was a girl. In all of the dreams I had where I had a baby, she was a girl. And let me tell you, I had some WEIRD dreams while I was pregnant.

I was in labor with her for almost 24 hours, and she came into the world at 7 lbs, 8.5 oz, 19 inches long, with her daddy's mouth, and a ton of hair:



It is fun to dress her up all girly, but to be honest, she doesn't seem like a girly girl. She's a wild daredevil, she's tough, and she likes to get dirty.

She's starting to get sassy, and starting to throw tantrums, and I question my parenting many times a day.

When I was younger, I always wanted to be a teacher when I grew up. I still think I might. I made my sister play "school" in the basement with me where we had chalkboards, easels, and old school desks. I even gave her tests and homework. Haha, I am was a nerd.

My favorite meal to cook is a tough one. I love to try new things, but I love to make Shrimp Scampi because it is Stryker's favorite thing (so far) that I make, and it's so nice to make something that is appreciated and loved (and raved about).



Well, that was fun. I hope everyone had a great weekend. Only 4 days to take-off!

Hiding the excitement

You guys came through big time with the last post. I even had a few de-lurkers! Hello SFPM, toodydolly, and Aly! Thank you for recognizing my need for info, you all were awesome. I am especially excited about the restaurant suggestions. Stryker and I will probably have 6 months worth of dining out before we have to think for ourselves where to go!

I am really excited about the move. I'm ready for a new adventure, and even more ready for our family to be together again! I feel like I can be truly excited here with you guys. It's harder to be so excited when talking to my family. They are sad we are going to be moving again. They have been spoiled by this year with us close by, watching Fuzz grow and change.

With the exception of my sister, they also don't have an edit button. I understand their disappointment that Stryker isn't just getting out of the Army, but getting called back through IRR was just too risky for us. Instead of being excited for us to be together as a family, they make it all about them and how sad they are that they won't get to see us Fuzz all the time. I just want to shake them and say, "You've gotten to see Fuzz for over a year, Stryker hasn't. Stop being so selfish!"

So instead of being excited around them, I hide it and sometimes even pretend that I am a little disappointed as well. I will miss them, don't get me wrong, but my excitement for our family to be together again and knowing we made the best choice for us trumps that...big time.

The Great Find

I was reading New Girl's post yesterday about whether or not we help out our significant other's pick out gifts and it got me thinking about past gifts from Stryker. I was trying to remember if there were any times that he really got me a great gift without any help from me, and the first one that came to mind was the necklace he got me for my birthday last year.


I had just given birth to Fuzz, and when he asked me for ideas I told him I just wanted him to get something for me that he picked out because those gifts mean so much more. I have to admit, doing this usually bites me in the butt. On the first big outing since her birth, I was getting a haircut in the mall and he was bumming around with Fuzz trying to find a gift for me.

When I was done getting my hair cut, he was hemming and hawing about how he just couldn't think of anything and so he wanted me to pick out some new tennis shoes (that I was going to buy regardless). I was so frustrated, but he was so upset over it that I maintained my calm and kept telling him it was ok.

So we go and I pick out shoes that were probably more expensive than I would have spent because after all, this is my birthday present and I was going to buy shoes anyway, they might as well be nice ones...

I get the shoes, I'm pushing the stroller and we're on our way outside and I open the little compartment in the stroller to get my sunglasses and there is a long skinny box in there. Complete shock. Immediately I felt guilty for being angry. I loved the necklace. Not only is my favorite color green, but it was also Fuzz's birthstone.

Fast forward to February and I'm moving out of my mom's house to our new place. About a week later I realize I haven't worn my necklace for awhile (unusual), and go to put it on. Can't find it. Are you kidding me? Where could it be? I searched and searched and never found it. I remembered putting it in with some stuff on one of the trips from my mom's to the new place but couldn't remember exactly where I had put it. I was sick. I just knew that I must have stuck it in one of the Target bags and then when I unloaded the stuff from the bag didn't see the necklace and threw the bag away. I was just devastated. How could I be so irresponsible with something so precious?

Now you know that feeling you get when you put on a jacket for the first time since last winter and you find $20 in the pocket? Magnify that by about 158,000 and you get the feeling I had last night when I was decorating the tree and opened the box that one of Fuzz's ornaments was in, took the ornament out, and my necklace was lying in the bottom of the box! My heart started beating out of my chest, and I was on the verge of tears. I just stared at it for about 5 minutes before I could even take it out of the box. To think I almost didn't put the ornaments on the tree this year!

Fuzzy memories clarified

Here I sit, my heart just pitter-pattering away. I was checking an email account I rarely use, and noticed there were two emails in the drafts. I got curious and started reading one and it was an email I was writing about Stryker's proposal.

As happens during a big moment like that and the passage of four years, the details are fuzzy for me. I remember what we did that night, and the circumstances, but the words he used are fuzzy. To be honest, they were right away. But in this email I went into more detail than my mind has. I had forgotten some of the amazing things he said. Of course it cut off before I had written all the details, but I can fill in the blanks.

The valley is behind me, I'm giddy in love once again.

Q&A and a bunch of mishmash.

Thanks for the comments, questions, and concerns. Questions are fun, feel free to ask them at any time!

Where's the next trip?
The next little trip is to Michigan again to visit family for Thanksgiving. The next big one is back to paradise (aka Hawaii) to welcome Stryker home. I bought our ticket this week, which makes it feel so real and exciting!

How are things with you and stryker? Is communication better?
Communication is much better after we talked about the things he's been going through lately. However, we haven't had a chance to have one of those really good conversations lately. Between my trip and his being completely exhausted by the time he gets to call, it's usually just catching up on the day to day things. Lots of yes and no answers to questions. I'm dying for one of those heart-filled, intellectual, move from one interesting topic to the next, conversations.

It seems like we always go through these kind of patterns though. For about a week we'll have amazing conversations every time we talk, and then we'll go through a rut where we have nothing to talk about and there's a lot of dead air on the phone. It happens, I've learned not to freak out about it. That doesn't mean I'm not ready for the rut to be over.

It happens with those romantic lovey dovey feelings for me too. Peaks and valleys. I really believe that it happens because then when we hit the really great peak again, I can appreciate it and it feels that much better.

So we're doing good, and my kitchen is clean, so now I can bake and send more goodies for him and the guys.

Today, I made this. I put half in a foil pan and took it to my new neighbors, and invited my sister and her boyfriend over and we ate the other half. Yum. I suggest you try it. It's easy and good.

I was just sorting through some recipes last night and picked out a bunch I want to try before Stryker gets back. It will force me to cook for myself, and I love trying new things. I'll be sure to keep you up to date on my progress!

The Slope

Distance. It's a slippery slope, and one I'd rather be on top of.

These past few days, I have noticed that Stryker has been distant. And not in that obvious, "Well yeah, you're living 6500 miles apart" way either.

I know he has a lot going on right now, and maybe it's a guy thing, but I just don't get why it's so hard to TALK TO ME! I am your wife, I am here for you, please talk to me before it's too late.

I think it's easy to distance ourselves from each other when we live so far apart, and such different lives, and it's a scary, slippery slope. Before long, you don't talk about anything anymore, and by the time he gets back you don't even remember who he was, and who you were as a couple. I'm not willing to let that happen to us, so I try to get to the bottom of this stuff before anything serious or permanent happens.

I'm not one of those wives that applies the "don't fight", "don't tell them what's going on at home", logic. Stupid, insignificant things, yes, of course I'm not going to make a huge deal about, because it's true. He does need to focus, and I'm not going to make him worry about me being bratty back here. But big, potentially life altering things, which I consider this distancing to be, you can bet I'll be calling him on it.

I already feel like our life as a family takes a backseat to his life as a soldier, and there's no way I'm letting Little Miss Army sneak in and steal our whole future as well.

It helps that we talk about these things without attacking, and in a calm manner. We talk about it, we try and figure it out, and it usually gets better. He doesn't dwell on it, I don't dwell on it, and our relationship is all the better for bringing it up and getting it out of the way.

Thankfully we're crawling our way back to the top of the slope.

Goofball

Happy Birthday to my wonderful, amazing, handsome, silly, goofball of a husband. Poor thing didn't even realize it was his birthday today.

Things are in the works for this to be our last birthday apart, and I'm so thankful for that.

Today, I wish for you a lifetime of happiness, love, and wonderful memories as a family. We love you and miss you!

The smelly seat belt

Stryker left for his first deployment in January 2004.

After he left, occasionally when I drove, I would smell him. His cologne. It was as if he enveloped me. It was the greatest thing, but I couldn't figure it out. It only happened in the car, and not every time I drove.

It was months before I figured out that it was the seat belt. When he was home on leave, he always drove, and apparently some of his cologne rubbed off on the seat belt. It was only after I had been driving for awhile and my body heat warmed the seat belt that it would waft up and make my whole day.

On my drive home from the airport after I dropped Stryker off, I was turning the corner on our street, and that familiar smell wafted up, and I knew everything would be ok.

Birthday surprise

I love T's idea of making a sexy song cd for her soldier. I'm totally stealing it...with a tweak. His birthday is in a couple weeks and I bought him the new nano and am going to put a surprise playlist on there for him.

Any suggestions for the perfect sexy (not nasty...we're not into that) song?

And just like that, it's over

We sent him off this morning. We had an amazing time and savored every moment. I didn't even start to get sad about him leaving until about two days ago, which I consider a success.

His relationship with Fuzz is just out of this world. I couldn't have picked a better father for her.

They went to the park...

Went on their first bike ride...

Watched the Packers...

And just hung out...

Could they be any cuter??

We got away for a weekend just the two of us in Door County.


It was a much needed break. We were gone for two nights and that's the longest I've ever been away from Fuzz! His being home made me realize just how stressed I actually was from taking care of her and the house by myself day in and day out for ten months. Now it's back to it for at least another four months. But I'm refreshed and ready. Bring it on.

Time is short

Here I sit. My husband and I just enjoyed a delicious meal of shrimp scampi and are continuing enjoying our Reisling. Our daughter is happy and reaching for him and he just took her in to change her diaper. I love my life. I love this life. I wish it wasn't changing again in less than a week.

Our time up to now has been incredible. The first few days were a little tough. It was wonderful having him back, but it was definitely a readjustment. Unexpectedly, Fuzz has adjusted better than the two of us.

I will write much more about it later, but I must get back to my little family.

The blackout is over

He is home. I feel like it should feel different. It is as if he never even left. When he first took Fuzz, she wrinkled up her nose at him. But before we even left the airport she was giving him kisses and hugs. It was amazing. Oh how I missed the electricity of his touch. The blackout is over....for now.

Not Unchanged

Well, my R&R donut says, "Leaving on a jet plane". Unfortunately that's not exactly how it's happening. Yet. But we're close. By this time next week, the great love of my life, my soulmate, my Stryker will be here. Right where he belongs.

I hope it isn't weird for him. He left our home in Hawaii, and is coming home to our home in Wisconsin. He's never seen it, there are new things here since he's left, our baby is starting to walk and is starting to be mischievous. I am able to wear all of my pre-pregnancy clothes again, my boobs are smaller, my hair is different.

I think of all these things that will be different for him, and yet when I think about seeing him, I never think of him being anything different than when he was when he left. But I know he's different. Maybe not on the outside like we are here, but on the inside. His heart is different. His mind is different. You don't go through the things he has, and see the things he has, and remain unchanged. I know this. It scares me.

The last time he came back he had nightmares for months. I would wake to him grabbing me violently, yet he was sleeping. It happened twice. The first time I was sleeping on my stomach and suddenly his hand was on the back of my neck. I grabbed him and woke him up and he was just as startled by it as I was.

The second time he grabbed my arm and nearly pulled me to the other side of the bed. Again I woke him and he was scared. He kept apologizing. I didn't feel like an apology was necessary. Apologizing for acting out in a nightmare, while still sound asleep? He talked to his chain of command after the second time and it never happened again.

My husband is NOT a violent man. He hates fighting and will go to extremes to avoid it. He has never laid a hand on me in anger, nor has he ever brought me down mentally. He is the most remarkable person I have ever met, and it saddens me that the training and mindset needed to fight in a war can slowly turn a person into someone else. I'm just hoping and praying for the fundamentals to stay the same, and I truly believe they will. I have to.

And all of a sudden, it's real

First off, thanks to everyone for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers. They mean a lot.

I have not been able to stop thinking about this all day. I keep reliving it over and over in my head. I can practically see the attack as it occurred.

The phone rings at 7:41AM, Stryker. I can tell something isn't right. He says in this quiet, sensitive voice, "Did you get word?" Me, "No...what" Him, "*G*'s dead." I said, in a horrified voice with my heart in my throat, "No!"

I held it together for him, listened, tried to comfort him, and when we hung up the tears just came. This is the first fatality that has really hit close to home for me. Yes, they have had other fatalities in the brigade, but I didn't know them, so I was still able to keep the distance.

I know this guy, he held Fuzz, his wife and I have been emailing each other throughout this deployment. He was just home on R&R in July, got back and two weeks later he's gone. How horrific.

My heart is breaking for so many people. His wife, all I can think about is his wife. Is she ok? What is she doing right now? What can I do for her? The guy who was working on him screaming at him to hang in there. Because I know him, I feel so much...I can hear him screaming at *G*, I can see the look on his face. Oh my God, I know all of these guys.

Stryker was understandably upset when I talked to him this morning. He feels guilty that *G* took his old job and now he's gone. He feels grateful that he's ok. And then he feels guilty that he feels grateful. He's afraid that *G*'s wife is going to blame him. He also feels guilty that he hasn't been telling me much. At one point in our conversation he said, "I haven't been telling you a lot of what's going on here, and I'm sorry." Baby, do not worry about that. I know that you are just trying to keep me from worrying, and it doesn't upset me.

Now they turn around 2 or 3 days later and have to just jump back in. How can they do that? How can they be expected to do that? I am amazed by the strength and the capabilities of our military men and women. I am so proud of them. Who else could go out there after losing someone you've known and seen almost every day of your life for five years, and get the job done? I'm in awe. I know that they will probably carry this loss with them for the rest of their lives and it's not going to be easy.

We truly have some of the strongest, finest people out there. Here's to you *G*, here's to you.