Goody night

Stryker's birthday present came today, so I am going to bake his birthday goodies tonight and get the package in the mail for him tomorrow. Turtle brownies on the menu.

I also decided that it is about time to get the pretzels out to G's wife. A few days ago I was telling Stryker that I was going to make them soon. He asked if I was going to tell her the story behind it and I said yes and he seemed hesitant. I asked what was wrong and basically he's worried it's going to make her sad to think about it. I asked him, "Do you really think that she isn't constantly thinking about him anyway?".

I think that if it was me, the pretzels and story might make me a little sad, but I think they would mean so much. What do you guys think? Am I about to step over a line, or is it just a meaningful gesture?

Putzy Pretzels

Well, the funeral stuff starts tomorrow. They have the Patriot Guard coming in. From what I've seen and heard, this organization is amazing. They way the serve and respect our fallen and their families is just awesome.

I emailed G's wife yesterday, telling her that my thoughts and prayers are with her for these next few tough days. (Not that they all aren't going to be equally tough without him.) She replied that her family doesn't understand her attachment to the Army so it's been hard being back there with them. She feels so supported by her Army family and the Army community. I think that's wonderful that she's getting what she needs from them, and speaks volumes for our division.

As I was grocery shopping yesterday I was doing the dreaded "walk down every aisle because I didn't make a list". When I was walking down the baking goods aisle, I went to grab some chocolate chips and I saw the bags of toffee bits and I had a flashback.

A few months ago I made some loaded pretzels for Stryker. Pretzel rods cut in half, half dipped in caramel, and then rolled in a mixture of walnuts, chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, and toffee bits. They were the putzy goodies I was talking about here.

Anyway, he always shares his goodies, and G happened to get his hands on some of these pretzels. He loved them and asked Stryker if he would mind asking me to make him some. When Stryker asked me I was flattered, because there's nothing better than taking the time to make something for the guys and then have them love them. So I laughed and joked, "Of course he wants the putziest thing I've made so far!" Because really, isn't that the way it goes?

But I did make them, and I'm so glad I did. He was so excited when he got back and they were sitting on his cot.

I think when things start to settle down for his wife I will make some and send them to her.

Updates

Today was *G*'s memorial in Iraq. Sounds like it was pretty emotional, but nicely done and was a good step in providing some closure for the guys. I'm feeling better, thanks for all the well wishes.

On some other fronts, MIL, and dad drama ensue. Surprise! See? You thought everything was going fine with my MIL, didn't you? Well I just haven't been talking to her much...the solution to everything...avoidance.

Here's her latest...

She called me earlier this week and mentioned she wanted to come visit this weekend. Fine. She said she'd call later on in the week and let me know which day, etc. Not sure why when she was thinking about coming she couldn't just pick a day, but whatever. That's her style. So this morning I emailed her asking if she was still planning on coming and what day, because I hadn't heard anything from her. I told her tomorrow worked better for me. Never wrote back. So by 5, 6 o'clock, I figured she just wasn't coming.

Fast forward to 9:20PM. She calls. Yes, that's right, 9:20 tonight. She thinks they will come later in the afternoon, is that ok? Do you have plans? I didn't hesitate to tell her that I figured she wasn't coming because she didn't write back. Oh, she went to my BIL's school to drop some stuff off and then got home and thought, "I better call Kiki!" Crazy woman.

Yes, I'll sit here and clear my weekend schedule on the off chance that you actually decide to come. And then, when you decide you aren't going to, I'll have nothing to do for the weekend. Love it.

I'll save my dad for a different day...it's at least a 2 parter.

And all of a sudden, it's real

First off, thanks to everyone for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers. They mean a lot.

I have not been able to stop thinking about this all day. I keep reliving it over and over in my head. I can practically see the attack as it occurred.

The phone rings at 7:41AM, Stryker. I can tell something isn't right. He says in this quiet, sensitive voice, "Did you get word?" Me, "No...what" Him, "*G*'s dead." I said, in a horrified voice with my heart in my throat, "No!"

I held it together for him, listened, tried to comfort him, and when we hung up the tears just came. This is the first fatality that has really hit close to home for me. Yes, they have had other fatalities in the brigade, but I didn't know them, so I was still able to keep the distance.

I know this guy, he held Fuzz, his wife and I have been emailing each other throughout this deployment. He was just home on R&R in July, got back and two weeks later he's gone. How horrific.

My heart is breaking for so many people. His wife, all I can think about is his wife. Is she ok? What is she doing right now? What can I do for her? The guy who was working on him screaming at him to hang in there. Because I know him, I feel so much...I can hear him screaming at *G*, I can see the look on his face. Oh my God, I know all of these guys.

Stryker was understandably upset when I talked to him this morning. He feels guilty that *G* took his old job and now he's gone. He feels grateful that he's ok. And then he feels guilty that he feels grateful. He's afraid that *G*'s wife is going to blame him. He also feels guilty that he hasn't been telling me much. At one point in our conversation he said, "I haven't been telling you a lot of what's going on here, and I'm sorry." Baby, do not worry about that. I know that you are just trying to keep me from worrying, and it doesn't upset me.

Now they turn around 2 or 3 days later and have to just jump back in. How can they do that? How can they be expected to do that? I am amazed by the strength and the capabilities of our military men and women. I am so proud of them. Who else could go out there after losing someone you've known and seen almost every day of your life for five years, and get the job done? I'm in awe. I know that they will probably carry this loss with them for the rest of their lives and it's not going to be easy.

We truly have some of the strongest, finest people out there. Here's to you *G*, here's to you.

Numb

About a month ago, my husband was moved to a different squad in order to do a different job. One that requires him to be inside the vehicle at most times opposed to being out and walking around. This morning he called and told me that the guy who's place he traded with is dead. Suicide bomber.

At this point, there aren't many words.