One crumbles, one thrives

Sometimes when I think about the deployment, I wonder how we got through it. Not only did we get through it, but we got through it almost unscathed. 15 months is a long, long, time. Yes, it was hard. Yes, we lost a friend. Yes, we had reintegration issues just like everyone does. But we made it, and we are stronger because of it. We appreciate each other more. I enjoy being a mom more. We cherish our time together more. I could probably go on all day.

So many couples don't make it through one deployment, much less multiple ones. We are close friends with a couple who did not, in fact, make it through this deployment, and it still blows my mind daily. I can't believe they are in the situation they are. I'm certain there is more to the story than what I know...there has to be.

It brings me to the question: What makes one seemingly strong couple crumble while one thrives? Is it faith? Because I'm certain that during some points in the deployment there were only one set of footprints in my neck of the woods. Is it love? Is it personal strength? Is it determination and pure will?

I don't know all the answers, but I think it's a combination of all those things. Here are a few of the things that I think helped us get through our deployments.

#1. Realization and acceptance of the fact that you can't change it. He will deploy. It will be a long time. You can't stop it. Find a way to deal.

#2. Faith. I am a Christian woman. I believe that each of us has a set amount of time on this earth, and that it's predetermined. This was a huge thing in helping me get through this deployment. I believed that if Stryker's time was supposed to be up during the deployment, it would have been up whether he was deployed or not. This prevented me from worrying so much. Of course I still worried, but it wasn't as extreme as the first deployment, and thus, resulted in less stress.

#3. Faith. Faith in our marriage. Faith that despite the length of time apart, our marriage would survive, and we would be ok.

#4. Care packages. I wanted to make sure that Stryker knew I was thinking of him, and loved him, and sending care packages was one of the ways I could best show this. I loved sending care packages because I knew he and the guys enjoyed them, and it also helped me feel closer to him. I knew that I was touching something he would touch.

#5. Being understanding of weirdness. Sometimes while Stryker was deployed, he would go through periods of weirdness. He wouldn't have much to say while we were on the phone, he seemed down, he just was not himself. It's not a cause for panic. They go through ups and downs during the deployment just like we do. It's normal.

#6. Finding something to look forward to. When we started making plans for R&R, conversations were great. We smiled, we laughed, we made plans that involved us actually being together. It was fun.

#7. Living life. I kept on living life. It helped pass the time much more quickly. Yes, sometimes I felt guilty about it, but it was better for Fuzz, Stryker, AND me live life instead or wait for it.

These are just the big ones off the top of my head that helped me, and us, get through deployments. What is something that helps you get through a deployment?

*Here's what I was sending to Stryker one year ago today.

Just a part of the package

Wow, you guys rock! Thanks for all the well wishes on Stryker being home. We've read every single one. I think he finally understands the support you have all given me throughout this deployment.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon in bliss at the spa in the fancy resort up at the north shore. It was, according to Stryker, my Valentine's Day/you never got time to yourself and you deserve it, gift. I have to say, I wasn't feeling all that worthy. I just considered going through this deployment a part of our life together. Not fun, but necessary if I want to continue to be with, and love, Stryker. He and our relationship, is more than worth it.

I told him after I got back my feelings about it. He took my hand, pulled me out of the chair, and started dancing with me right in the living room, as he started rattling off all the reasons why he thought I did in fact deserve it. No wonder why I missed him so much! It's easy to forget all those little romantic things they do everyday when they have been gone for so long.

We are not really having any of those reintegration problems that we did during R&R. I think we must have worked the bugs out at that time, and now it's smooth sailing. Fuzz is getting better with the change every day. I mentioned how hard of a time we were having at bedtime and naptime, and as of yesterday, she's going down without fighting it again. Loving it.

15 months

He's home...he's finally home.

15 months in which we both grew as individuals. 15 months in which we went through things alone that we wish we never would have, but made us stronger. 15 months of our lives, over.

What I've been doing today...

And trying my hardest not to do this to Fuzz...

That girl was up at 6AM and would not go back to sleep. So she's been clingy and whiney all day. I just laid her down for a nap and she's fighting that as well. If you remember from a previous post, she has radar when something big is happening.

Hmm...I wonder what that "something big" could be?

Not so typical

*UPDATE* It's true, I talked to him this morning!!!

Seeing as how it's Saturday and on the weekends TV is crap and no one blogs much, I am bored and therefore incessantly checking the division website for updates. Updates that I know won't be there because they don't really update until they actually are on their flight back.

So imagine my surprise when I note that both, both "tentative" chalks that Stryker "could, maybe" be on have been bumped up by a day. Yes, you read that correctly. Bumped up, not back.

If that isn't unarmyish, I don't know what is.

What is armyish is that after the initial flutters in my belly of excitement, my brain told me to hold on and not get so excited. See...they don't just train our husbands, they train us too.

Typical

In anticipation of our guys getting home, we have been getting a lot of emails from FRG with information. On the division website, their ceremony dates and times are listed according to Chalk #. The FRG keeps reiterating that in order to find out our husband's Chalk #, we need to call Rear Detachment, and they will tell us. Then we can track their arrival on the website. Sounds too easy right? Apparently it is.

My friend T, whose husband arrived yesterday, got into town on Sunday night. I picked her up from the airport and she stayed with me for a couple days while she was getting their place set up. I was witness to her phone calls with Rear D, and they went something like this.

T: Hi, can you tell me my husband's chalk number?
Rear D: I'm sorry ma'am, I can't give you that information.
T: Well I was told to call you.
Rear D: Once your husband knows his chalk # I can tell you.
T: They don't know their chalk numbers.
Rear D: I'm sorry, then I can't tell you anything.

They went around and around in circles until eventually he told her that if she came in to the office and showed her ID he could tell her. So she went in the next day, and...you guessed it, they don't have that information. They apparently aren't telling anyone anything until they are actually on their way back to the island.

So we have FRG telling us to call Rear D, and then Rear D telling us they don't have the information. Of course this is completely expected, because, after all, it is the Army.

I called today just to see what they would tell me and he said, (without even asking me Stryker's name) that he is tentatively on either Chalk X or Chalk Z. Tentatively. Gotta love it.

The end is near

Tomorrow morning I leave cold, wintry Wisconsin, and welcome warm, tropical Hawaii. I am both excited and nervous. I'm nervous about the long flight with Fuzz by myself. I know my nervousness won't make it any better though, so I'm trying not to dwell on it. I'm taking the approach I did with labor. It's one day out of my life. Even if it's horrible, it's only one day, and then I get to move on. With labor and with this flight, I have beautiful things waiting for me at the end of it.

I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that this deployment is almost over. We have done 14+ months apart. I have done 14+ months by myself raising Fuzz, and we've both lived to tell about it! Wow.

At the same time, I know that the end of my journey is just the beginning of other's. I know how they are feeling, but they will get through it, no matter how hard it often seems. Day by day, you just go through it and you do it. Usually you can't explain how you're doing it, you just are.

I attribute getting through this deployment on a few things. The Lord, Fuzz, and you guys. Let me explain.

When Stryker was on leave before the deployment, we were leaving a hotel in his hometown, and the TV was on. Neither of us were watching it, it was just noise in the background. It was one of those televised sermons. We never watch those, I don't even know why it was on. But like I said, it was background noise, and all of a sudden it was like the pastor was speaking just to me. He was talking about how people exercise and eat right, and think it's going to make them live longer. He said that of course exercising and eating right are important to make your quality of life better, but that your number of days are already predetermined. God already knows when your time is up, and all the exercising and eating right isn't going to change that.

This isn't the first time I've heard this message, but all of a sudden it hit home. What use is it for me to worry about Stryker while he's there, when his destiny is already written? I no longer worried about his death, because according to this belief, no matter if he was here or there, the day would be the same. This single thing is the difference between this deployment and his other two. Of course I prayed for him and his comrades, but I didn't have that deep underlying, debilitating fear like I did during the other deployments.

Fuzz's presence is pretty self-explanatory. She has given me so much joy and kept me so busy during this deployment. Yes, taking care of a child by myself was difficult, exhausting, and often frustrating. But oh, she is so worth it. And the sense of accomplishment I feel from doing all of this on my own is oftentimes overwhelming.

Finally, I have been reading blogs for quite a while. In April, I finally decided to start writing myself, and this community that I fell into has been so amazing. I did not know about the blog community during the first deployment. I didn't know that my feelings were normal, and expected.

Reading your stories, and getting so much support and encouragement from you all has made a huge difference. I feel like you are my allies. At times, you know me better than my own family, if only because you often feel the same ways that I do.

So thank you. Thank you for helping me get through this one journey of my life. Thank you for your support, encouragement, and love. You have become a special part of my life that I will forever cherish.

This is the story of the hurricane...

I only got a few questions about the journey, but without further ado...

Did it go by faster than you thought it would? (Jenny)
Yes and no. My first reaction is yes, absolutely it went by faster than I thought it would. Fuzz has been such a joy and has kept me so busy that I haven't hardly had time to miss Stryker.

But.

When I look back on things that happened during the deployment, it seems like they happened a long, long time ago.

Did you get your BAH changed to where you lived or did it stay to the base he was stationed at? (Kati)
Our BAH stayed the same as it was for his duty station.

When does he come home? In 2 months or are they getting shortened too? (Sara)
They are not getting shortened. Boo. He will be home, at most, 2 weeks before the 15 month mark.

I have to admit, now that the end is near and I have to deal with all this moving stuff before I head back, I'm getting a little overwhelmed. So much to do, and so hard to do it when as soon as I pack something up, little Fuzz hands unpack it. Which leaves nap time and bed time, and I prefer to have those times be relaxation time, not work time!

I am seriously considering a moving company to pack for me after I saw how amazing it was when they packed our things in Hawaii. It.Was.Amazing. Three guys came in like a hurricane and had the whole house packed up and on the truck in 3 hours. However, it would save a lot of money for me to do it myself, especially since I'm not exactly sure of the cost since they charge by hour and I can pretty much guarantee if they are getting paid hourly, they aren't coming in like a hurricane.

It's been quite a ride

Yay Loqi, bonus points for you on the Tom Petty guess!

13 months ago, I said goodbye to Stryker. 13 months! Wow... Here's a recap, month by month, of what has happened.

December 2007
After Stryker left, my dad flew out to help me pack up and move back to Wisconsin. We celebrated Fuzz's first Christmas, the first of many holidays without Stryker.

January 2008
Not much newsworthy in January, just getting accustomed to life as a twosome just as we were enjoying life as a threesome.

February 2008
Signed the lease for a duplex for Fuzz and I. Started moving in on the 29th, finally received my car after a long (and still ongoing) fiasco with the transportation company.

March 2008
Enjoying life in our own place. Fuzz was learning to eat solids, and I'm pretty sure this is the month she started sleeping through the night!

April 2008
My sister and I had an intervention for my dad. It's been a hard road, but he's doing really well so far! We got snow, even at the end of the month.

May 2008
I got to celebrate my first Mother's day this month. I also ran the garbage disposal with a glass baby food jar in it...

June 2008
Our 3rd anniversary, went on a road trip to meet a fellow military wife in Chicago.

July 2008
Reached 50% in the deployment donut! Stryker and I had our first big fight of the deployment over him missing out on Fuzz's "firsts". Took a road trip to visit family in upper Michigan.

August 2008
Fuzz turned one! And then the lowlight of the whole deployment, we lost Gibby.

September 2008
My wonderful birthday with my mom and sister. Stryker was home for R&R, the highlight of the whole deployment! We celebrated Fuzz's birthday, and we got a weekend just to ourselves in Door County.

October 2008
I tackled my first big sewing project and made Fuzz's costume.

November 2008
Went to California for my cousin's wedding. Fuzz had her first experience playing in the snow. Spent Thanksgiving with family in upper Michigan.

December 2008
Found my necklace! Had a wonderful visit with a friend. Our first holiday that Stryker has missed twice in a row, Christmas. That was tough.

Well, there we are so far. Any questions about the journey so far?

Where did December go??

Seriously...where? When Stryker left at the beginning of October, I looked ahead at the months left in the deployment. I noticed there was something going on in every month, and used that as my kind of count down.

October - Halloween, and I had to make Fuzz's costume
November - Thanksgiving
December - Christmas
January - Cousin's baby shower
February - leave to go back to Hawaii

I never expected that those milestones would fly by like they have. There have been a few days that felt like we were just crawling along, but overall, it's been a whirlwind.

Lately, I've been stressing about getting everything ready for our move out of this place. We are leaving for Hawaii the second week in February, and I'm moving all of our stuff to my mom's basement to hold for us until we move to Georgia. No sense renting a place while no one is living here.

Moving...don't get me started. Ick.

I've been keeping myself busy. I made it to church 3 out of the 4 Sunday's in December, and am getting back into working out. I'd been slacking off and it's a great time for me to just...be. Relieve some stress, time away from Fuzz, and good for me. It doesn't get much better than that.

Of course as soon as I start doing something good for my body, I get a cold, and give it to Fuzz. Or maybe she gave it to me...the other day when I dropped her off in the child care area at the Y the first little girl she went up to and started smiling at had snot running out of both her nostrils.....

Labels help me maintain my sanity

It's starting to feel pretty Christmasy around here! Most of my decorations are up (we don't have many), the tree is up (I'm still debating about putting ornaments on it. Fuzz is...curious), I have a big chunk of the shopping done, and my mom and I had a major bake-a-thon for Stryker yesterday.

We made those chocolate peppermint cookies Sara talked about, white and milk chocolate sponge candy, peanut butter balls, all those flavored nuts on my sidebar (the Sugar & Spice Pecans were divine!), and peppermint bark.

When all was said and done I mailed out one of the big flat rate boxes and one of the smaller ones. Approximately 12 pounds of cookies, candy, and nuts! Good thing he shares, otherwise he may need to order new uniforms! We had a lot of fun making everything, and conveniently, my mom left just in time for clean up. Thankfully, the repairman came last night and fixed the dishwasher.

If you haven't done it yet, and you mail a lot of care packages or letters, go out and buy some labels. Those downrange addresses are long, and it's so easy to make a mistake. I use the big ones on packages, and the little ones for letters.

As a bonus, when people ask for Stryker's address, I can just give them a label! Since Stryker deployed just before Christmas last year (we just passed our anniversary on Saturday, happy anniversary to us!), we sent a label in each Christmas card we sent out. Worked great, except they changed their address once they got in country, approximately 3 days after I sent out the cards. (Why not??)

We got a lot of snow last night and the neighbor was at it again with the snowblower this morning. It makes me laugh, but apparently it's not that uncommon to have wimpy spoiled dogs (sorry D.A.R., I couldn't resist).

Recipe catch-up

It's about time I updated on my latest recipe trials. Since I last wrote, I tried:

Pecan Crusted Shrimp
Chicken Piccata
Turtle Pumpkin Pie
Busy-day Pork Chops
Zucchini Fritters
Coconut Crunch Cookies

I found the recipe for Pecan Crusted Shrimp in a magazine I was reading while I was waiting for my car to get serviced. They were good, but the recipe called for way too much of the egg wash. It called for 8 egg whites, one cup of honey, and one teaspoon each of salt and white pepper for 24 jumbo (butterflied) shrimp. You could easily get away with half of that for all the shrimp. You dip them in that mixture and then roll them in ground pecans and bake them in a 350º oven for 8-10 minutes. I'd give the recipe a 3.5 out of 5.

Next I tried a Chicken Piccata. Yum! It was very lemony, and it was actually better the second day when I ate it as left overs. This one came from a free preview issue I received from Cuisine at Home. 4 out of 5. Next to this recipe there was a different option for cooking the chicken, a Chicken Pomodoro. Stryker and I actually made this a long time ago and it was delicious, even better than the Picatta.

Kraft Foods to the rescue again when I made the Turtle Pumpkin Pie. I made this for our Thanksgiving dinner at my aunt's house. It was a big hit! It was so easy, and you don't even have to bake it, so it's fast. I will definitely make this again, 5 out of 5.

For dinner a couple nights ago I made Busy Day Pork Chops and Zucchini fritters. The pork chops were not much more than pork chops dipped in milk and then a bread crumb mixture and baked. They were alright, but the breading didn't get crunchy enough for my taste. 3 out of 5. The zucchini fritters were also baked and the breading had a little bit of taco seasoning in it which gave them a unique flavor. I thought they were good and Fuzz loved them! Although there isn't a whole lot anything she won't eat. 4 out of 5.

In the last package I sent to Stryker, I included the Coconut Crunch Cookies. They have "finely chopped almonds" in them, and my mini chopper wasn't doing the job, so I had to chop them by hand and it was a pain. They ended up being pretty flat, but they were definitely good. Again, they were a hit with Fuzz. 4 out of 5.

Sorry I went against the poll this time. When I went to make the pumpkin seeds, they looked a little funky, and I thought better safe than sorry and threw them away, and I figured with all the peanut butter stuff I had sent Stryker lately (although he probably wouldn't have complained), I would change it up and go with the coconut.

I plan on making the rest of the goodies on his list for his Christmas package. My mom and I are getting together early next week to have a bake-athon for Stryker and the guys. I already warned him to stop eating so he has room for all the goodies. I imagine shortly after that package I won't be able to send anymore...YAY! I love sending him packages, but that "last day to mail things downrange", makes it so real that they are almost home.

Tomorrow I'm going with my mom and sister to meet my aunt and cousins for a Christmas shopping trip. Fuzz is staying at the in-laws. Bring on the wine!

I am Charlie Brown's teacher...

Since this is quickly becoming a cooking/baking blog, and that's very much not what I intended for it to be, here's a funny story from today.

Here's a little background. During Stryker's first deployment from 2004-2005, his dad was his power of attorney (mistake #1), and he asked his to fix up his car using his money (mistake #2). There were many other stupid financial decisions during that deployment, but we'll just focus on these today. So throughout the deployment, his dad was taking money out of his account to "work on the car". But the checks he wrote were never out to any businesses, only to himself as cash. Does this sound shady to anyone else?

The 13 month deployment ended, and lo and behold, the car is not finished, and approximately $7,000 is gone from Stryker's account. Besides that, Stryker is not allowed to see the car, or hear any news about updates to it, because "it's a secret". Wha?? His money, his car.

Here we are, November 22, 2008, and the car still isn't finished. I've asked Stryker repeatedly if there even is a car. His dad is a good-hearted guy, but it's been over four years. Did he sell it and keep the money??

Anywho, where was I? Oh yes, so we're on the phone this morning, and he told me that he had talked to his dad before he called me, and they talked about the status of the car. Stryker proceeds to start complaining about the choices his dad has made so far. *Cue increase in blood pressure*

Kiki: Stryker, I don't even want to hear you complain about it, because if you cared that much about what was done on it, you should have just waited and done it yourself."

Stryker: Whoa. What?

Kiki: *repeats previous rant*

Stryker: Hello?

Kiki: Hello? *realizing he can't hear me*

Stryker: I need to call you back, you sound like a monster or something.

Kiki: Ok. *hangs up phone*

*Telling my sister what Stryker said and both of us laughing like crazy*

Ring ring

Kiki: Hello?

Stryker: Whoa, that was weird, you sounded like 'whaa whraa whaa' *think Charlie Brown's teacher*

Kiki: Well that is kind of what I sounded like...

I mean, could the phone reception going crazy have possibly come at a more perfect time? I think not.

In which I jabber...

Well, if all goes according to plan, (haha, what's that???), we're into double digits before Stryker is home. At this point before R&R, I wasn't nearly as excited as I am now. I guess because I knew that R&R was just a pit stop on the journey.

In other news, I made the Seafood Potpies last night. They were good. Not out of this world, but good...think 3.5 out of 5. I think they would be better with a crust over the top as well, maybe next time. The Basil-Garlic Salmon was much better. Has anyone tried it yet?

Since puppy chow won the latest Stryker poll, I plan on making him that some time this week yet. I will probably make the pumpkin seeds as well while I'm at it.

I've been feeling kind of blah this last week. Almost like I'm about to get sick, but it hasn't happened yet, so I'm not sure what the deal is. The cold weather making us housebound might have something to do with it.

Anyway, obviously, I don't have much to talk about, I just had the urge to write. Have a nice night everyone!

Q&A and a bunch of mishmash.

Thanks for the comments, questions, and concerns. Questions are fun, feel free to ask them at any time!

Where's the next trip?
The next little trip is to Michigan again to visit family for Thanksgiving. The next big one is back to paradise (aka Hawaii) to welcome Stryker home. I bought our ticket this week, which makes it feel so real and exciting!

How are things with you and stryker? Is communication better?
Communication is much better after we talked about the things he's been going through lately. However, we haven't had a chance to have one of those really good conversations lately. Between my trip and his being completely exhausted by the time he gets to call, it's usually just catching up on the day to day things. Lots of yes and no answers to questions. I'm dying for one of those heart-filled, intellectual, move from one interesting topic to the next, conversations.

It seems like we always go through these kind of patterns though. For about a week we'll have amazing conversations every time we talk, and then we'll go through a rut where we have nothing to talk about and there's a lot of dead air on the phone. It happens, I've learned not to freak out about it. That doesn't mean I'm not ready for the rut to be over.

It happens with those romantic lovey dovey feelings for me too. Peaks and valleys. I really believe that it happens because then when we hit the really great peak again, I can appreciate it and it feels that much better.

So we're doing good, and my kitchen is clean, so now I can bake and send more goodies for him and the guys.

Today, I made this. I put half in a foil pan and took it to my new neighbors, and invited my sister and her boyfriend over and we ate the other half. Yum. I suggest you try it. It's easy and good.

I was just sorting through some recipes last night and picked out a bunch I want to try before Stryker gets back. It will force me to cook for myself, and I love trying new things. I'll be sure to keep you up to date on my progress!

The Slope

Distance. It's a slippery slope, and one I'd rather be on top of.

These past few days, I have noticed that Stryker has been distant. And not in that obvious, "Well yeah, you're living 6500 miles apart" way either.

I know he has a lot going on right now, and maybe it's a guy thing, but I just don't get why it's so hard to TALK TO ME! I am your wife, I am here for you, please talk to me before it's too late.

I think it's easy to distance ourselves from each other when we live so far apart, and such different lives, and it's a scary, slippery slope. Before long, you don't talk about anything anymore, and by the time he gets back you don't even remember who he was, and who you were as a couple. I'm not willing to let that happen to us, so I try to get to the bottom of this stuff before anything serious or permanent happens.

I'm not one of those wives that applies the "don't fight", "don't tell them what's going on at home", logic. Stupid, insignificant things, yes, of course I'm not going to make a huge deal about, because it's true. He does need to focus, and I'm not going to make him worry about me being bratty back here. But big, potentially life altering things, which I consider this distancing to be, you can bet I'll be calling him on it.

I already feel like our life as a family takes a backseat to his life as a soldier, and there's no way I'm letting Little Miss Army sneak in and steal our whole future as well.

It helps that we talk about these things without attacking, and in a calm manner. We talk about it, we try and figure it out, and it usually gets better. He doesn't dwell on it, I don't dwell on it, and our relationship is all the better for bringing it up and getting it out of the way.

Thankfully we're crawling our way back to the top of the slope.

The smelly seat belt

Stryker left for his first deployment in January 2004.

After he left, occasionally when I drove, I would smell him. His cologne. It was as if he enveloped me. It was the greatest thing, but I couldn't figure it out. It only happened in the car, and not every time I drove.

It was months before I figured out that it was the seat belt. When he was home on leave, he always drove, and apparently some of his cologne rubbed off on the seat belt. It was only after I had been driving for awhile and my body heat warmed the seat belt that it would waft up and make my whole day.

On my drive home from the airport after I dropped Stryker off, I was turning the corner on our street, and that familiar smell wafted up, and I knew everything would be ok.

Not Unchanged

Well, my R&R donut says, "Leaving on a jet plane". Unfortunately that's not exactly how it's happening. Yet. But we're close. By this time next week, the great love of my life, my soulmate, my Stryker will be here. Right where he belongs.

I hope it isn't weird for him. He left our home in Hawaii, and is coming home to our home in Wisconsin. He's never seen it, there are new things here since he's left, our baby is starting to walk and is starting to be mischievous. I am able to wear all of my pre-pregnancy clothes again, my boobs are smaller, my hair is different.

I think of all these things that will be different for him, and yet when I think about seeing him, I never think of him being anything different than when he was when he left. But I know he's different. Maybe not on the outside like we are here, but on the inside. His heart is different. His mind is different. You don't go through the things he has, and see the things he has, and remain unchanged. I know this. It scares me.

The last time he came back he had nightmares for months. I would wake to him grabbing me violently, yet he was sleeping. It happened twice. The first time I was sleeping on my stomach and suddenly his hand was on the back of my neck. I grabbed him and woke him up and he was just as startled by it as I was.

The second time he grabbed my arm and nearly pulled me to the other side of the bed. Again I woke him and he was scared. He kept apologizing. I didn't feel like an apology was necessary. Apologizing for acting out in a nightmare, while still sound asleep? He talked to his chain of command after the second time and it never happened again.

My husband is NOT a violent man. He hates fighting and will go to extremes to avoid it. He has never laid a hand on me in anger, nor has he ever brought me down mentally. He is the most remarkable person I have ever met, and it saddens me that the training and mindset needed to fight in a war can slowly turn a person into someone else. I'm just hoping and praying for the fundamentals to stay the same, and I truly believe they will. I have to.

Flip flop

I am having a hard time falling asleep at night because my stomach is already doing flip flops in anticipation of seeing him again. It's so stinkin' close, but yet far enough away that I can't afford the insomnia.

I still have moments of disbelief and worry that in fact he will not come home. I know it's a defense mechanism, but really, is that going to make any difference? If Stryker was killed over there, is my non-belief now that he's coming home going to help me cope with the news in even the slightest way? I doubt it. Not that the practicality of that quells my worries.

Kids are funny

I was just being productive and going through all of our pictures and putting them in picture boxes when I found Stryker's letters and cards he received during his first deployment. He has saved every one. Or it seems like it anyway. I know snail mail seems silly since they have more access to computers and phones now, but they were obviously appreciated for him to save all of them.

One of his high school friends was teaching Sunday school at the time and had her kids make him pictures and write him a little note. Some are touching, most are hilarious. I love that she didn't inhibit what they wanted to say. A few examples...




I believe Martin is on his way to being a CEO. I hope Jaddin never loses that self esteem. And Cameryn, well, she's just a sweetie.