just ugh...

I am so mad at myself.

Today was Fuzz's three year well child doctor's appointment. She was such a big girl, did everything the doctor asked her to, and everything checked out fine. Then the doctor told me that she needed her second Hepatitis A immunization. I am not anti-vaccination by any stretch, but when she had that shot last year, she had a reaction to it. The day after she received it, she woke up and her leg was close to twice as big as it should have been.

Initially when I went in today I thought that the shot that gave her that reaction was the one for chicken pox, so I had it planned that if they wanted to give her that one again, I was going to say no. I mean, it's chicken pox. I've had it, you've probably had it, we're all still kickin. She had already had one of the series, if she ended up getting chicken pox, it would probably be a minor case, I was ok with that decision. When I realized it was the Hepatitis A one that gave her a reaction, I wasn't so sure. Hepatitis seems more serious to me than the chicken pox.

Either way, when I started to tell the doctor that she had a reaction to that shot last time, she started interrupting me. I told her again that she had a reaction, and she says "So you don't want her to get it then?". Perhaps she didn't mean it to sound like that, but to me, that's what it sounded like. I asked her if perhaps they had a different version of the shot they could give her and she totally brushed her reaction off saying "well that one doesn't usually give a bad reaction, maybe something got in it or maybe they hit a blood vessel or something." She then wouldn't give me my paperwork until she had the shot.

So, basically, I let the doctor bully me into getting the shot for Fuzz.

I'm mad at myself, because she actually ended up having to get two shots today. One that she's had before and done fine with, HIB, and the Hep A. So the nurse does the first shot (HIB) and Fuzz doesn't even flinch. No tears, no whining, nothing. Then she does the Hep A. Again, needle goes in, Fuzz doesn't flinch. Meds go in and she screams. I told the nurse about her previous reaction and she looks at me with wide eyes and goes "Nobody told me that!" with sympathy in her voice. I was about two seconds away from bursting into tears.

The doctor never said anything!

Yet, I'm mad at myself because I'm the mama, I should have advocated better on her behalf. I should have made sure the nurse knew about the reaction.

Ugh.

The Great Find

I was reading New Girl's post yesterday about whether or not we help out our significant other's pick out gifts and it got me thinking about past gifts from Stryker. I was trying to remember if there were any times that he really got me a great gift without any help from me, and the first one that came to mind was the necklace he got me for my birthday last year.


I had just given birth to Fuzz, and when he asked me for ideas I told him I just wanted him to get something for me that he picked out because those gifts mean so much more. I have to admit, doing this usually bites me in the butt. On the first big outing since her birth, I was getting a haircut in the mall and he was bumming around with Fuzz trying to find a gift for me.

When I was done getting my hair cut, he was hemming and hawing about how he just couldn't think of anything and so he wanted me to pick out some new tennis shoes (that I was going to buy regardless). I was so frustrated, but he was so upset over it that I maintained my calm and kept telling him it was ok.

So we go and I pick out shoes that were probably more expensive than I would have spent because after all, this is my birthday present and I was going to buy shoes anyway, they might as well be nice ones...

I get the shoes, I'm pushing the stroller and we're on our way outside and I open the little compartment in the stroller to get my sunglasses and there is a long skinny box in there. Complete shock. Immediately I felt guilty for being angry. I loved the necklace. Not only is my favorite color green, but it was also Fuzz's birthstone.

Fast forward to February and I'm moving out of my mom's house to our new place. About a week later I realize I haven't worn my necklace for awhile (unusual), and go to put it on. Can't find it. Are you kidding me? Where could it be? I searched and searched and never found it. I remembered putting it in with some stuff on one of the trips from my mom's to the new place but couldn't remember exactly where I had put it. I was sick. I just knew that I must have stuck it in one of the Target bags and then when I unloaded the stuff from the bag didn't see the necklace and threw the bag away. I was just devastated. How could I be so irresponsible with something so precious?

Now you know that feeling you get when you put on a jacket for the first time since last winter and you find $20 in the pocket? Magnify that by about 158,000 and you get the feeling I had last night when I was decorating the tree and opened the box that one of Fuzz's ornaments was in, took the ornament out, and my necklace was lying in the bottom of the box! My heart started beating out of my chest, and I was on the verge of tears. I just stared at it for about 5 minutes before I could even take it out of the box. To think I almost didn't put the ornaments on the tree this year!

And all of a sudden, it's real

First off, thanks to everyone for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers. They mean a lot.

I have not been able to stop thinking about this all day. I keep reliving it over and over in my head. I can practically see the attack as it occurred.

The phone rings at 7:41AM, Stryker. I can tell something isn't right. He says in this quiet, sensitive voice, "Did you get word?" Me, "No...what" Him, "*G*'s dead." I said, in a horrified voice with my heart in my throat, "No!"

I held it together for him, listened, tried to comfort him, and when we hung up the tears just came. This is the first fatality that has really hit close to home for me. Yes, they have had other fatalities in the brigade, but I didn't know them, so I was still able to keep the distance.

I know this guy, he held Fuzz, his wife and I have been emailing each other throughout this deployment. He was just home on R&R in July, got back and two weeks later he's gone. How horrific.

My heart is breaking for so many people. His wife, all I can think about is his wife. Is she ok? What is she doing right now? What can I do for her? The guy who was working on him screaming at him to hang in there. Because I know him, I feel so much...I can hear him screaming at *G*, I can see the look on his face. Oh my God, I know all of these guys.

Stryker was understandably upset when I talked to him this morning. He feels guilty that *G* took his old job and now he's gone. He feels grateful that he's ok. And then he feels guilty that he feels grateful. He's afraid that *G*'s wife is going to blame him. He also feels guilty that he hasn't been telling me much. At one point in our conversation he said, "I haven't been telling you a lot of what's going on here, and I'm sorry." Baby, do not worry about that. I know that you are just trying to keep me from worrying, and it doesn't upset me.

Now they turn around 2 or 3 days later and have to just jump back in. How can they do that? How can they be expected to do that? I am amazed by the strength and the capabilities of our military men and women. I am so proud of them. Who else could go out there after losing someone you've known and seen almost every day of your life for five years, and get the job done? I'm in awe. I know that they will probably carry this loss with them for the rest of their lives and it's not going to be easy.

We truly have some of the strongest, finest people out there. Here's to you *G*, here's to you.

Conflicted

For this deployment, I vowed to try and live life like it wasn't on hold. In the past, I'd always felt like life was on hold while Stryker was gone, just waiting for him to resume. It made for long, sad days. So this time, especially because of Fuzz, I wanted to work on that, and so far, I've been doing a pretty good job.

Now I'm conflicted.

If life isn't on hold while Stryker is gone, and I am actually enjoying myself most of the time, what does that mean? I know it's a good thing that I don't actually need Stryker in order to live my life, but it scares me when I realize that I'm ok here without him.

My dirty secret

So I made a little listy-loo on the sidebar of things I want to accomplish before Stryker gets home for R&R. I will probably be adding to it as I think of new things. As of now, half of the things are unpacking related.

Yes, I moved in March.

Yes, I still haven't finished unpacking.

Before you get all judgmental, I know it's terrible. I was all about unpacking when I first moved in here, but once I had all the necessities unpacked, my motivation went out the window. There aren't that many boxes left, and I know I will feel amazing once they are unpacked.

I just get overwhelmed.

I don't want to unpack if the house is messy because I feel like cleaning the house takes priority. But once the house is cleaned, I don't want to unpack because it will make a mess. See my predicament??

I'll tell you my dirty little secret. When I unpack, it's hard to find a home for everything, so it sits around until I know I have company coming over and then I'll shove it in a closet and shut the door. Ick. There's another one for the list...

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

I feel like I should have put a disclaimer on the last post. Only 4 months in and I am already setting myself up for failure by saying that it's easier than the last one. I meant so far.

Is it Possible?

My Love left about 4 months ago. We have a darling daughter, Fuzz, who is 7 months old. He has now spent more time away from her than he did with her. Wow, I just realized that. I am sad for him. She changes almost daily, pictures, even videos can't possibly be enough for him. This deployment is harder for him than the last. Guilt sets in as, in many ways, it's easier for me. Last time he was gone for this long we weren't married, we didn't have Fuzz. I was in college, working part-time, I had a lot of time to panic that he wouldn't make it back so we could get married. This time Fuzz gives me so much joy, and keeps me so busy that it just isn't as hard this time. Yes, I wish he was here. Yes, I miss him terribly. Yes, I worry about him. Yes, there are days that are harder than last time (like when I had the stomach flu with a 6 month old...). Overall though, I'm more happy. I'm guilty about that, because he's not.